Oh, to be in Paris...

Yeah, I'm going to talk about her. I've avoided the temptation for so long but, as they used to say in one of those Star Trek spin-offs: resistance is futile. Here's the weird thing: I spend a lot of time poring over the news of the day online and on TV and I immediately pass on anything Paris Hilton related yet...I still know almost everything about her. Paris info is seeping into my brain like some kind of Hollywood nerve gas.

I feel for Paris. She's being unfairly punished and not in the way she usually likes to be punished. Nicole Richie shows up every day and taunts Paris by jumping back and forth between the bars of the cell in a twisted game of jail house tag. Add to that the humiliation of sleeping on sheets with an anemic thread count, dining with icky people and enduring phone calls from Barbara Walters and you basically have Abu Ghraib all over again.

Can we please give Paris a break and focus on the important news of the day? Where is Lindsay Lohan passed out? If "America's Got Talent" then why is David Hasselhoff sitting there? Now that Anna Nicole is the busiest dead celebrity out there will she be teaming up with Tupac to do a Christmas special? These are the questions I think our government owes us answers to.