Stephen Kruiser: The Mouth Of America

Friday, January 4, 2008

Note To Iowa: Bite Me

Well, after months of having candidates, press and volunteers backed up inside of it, Iowa finally caucused. I hope it's very relieved. I know I'm glad that I won't have to hear anything about it until 2012.

And now for some thoughts on the first votes we thought we'd never see.

OK, it was fun to watch The Missus not only lose but come in third. Don't get too excited though, Obie, nobody falls in manure and ends up smelling like roses better than the two-headed Clinton monster. Be careful, if you make them really mad they'll send James Carville out to make a mess on your carpet and bite you in the groin.

It is absolutely stunning that Barack Obama won so handily in a state where African-Americans are more of a rumor than a voting demographic. 

I curse Iowa for making Mike Huckabee relevant for a few days. If he continues to be and somehow ends up with the nomination I think we should seriously look at trading the state to Mexico for a few hot Telemundo hosts. I don't know how they would say "caucus" in Spanish but I bet it sounds even dirtier. 

GOP voters are constantly told that Mitt Romney would make a great president because he is a great businessman. He just spent twenty or more million dollars to come in second place to a Gomer Pyle impersonator in a state that has fewer voters than the Best Buy store up the street from me. That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for letting him be in charge of my money. 
  
The Ron Paul Revolution doesn't seem to work as well when his supporters can't vote over and over between bong hits and handfuls of Cheet-Ohs like they do in online polls. They might want to look into getting him on "American Idol" instead. 

Christopher Dodd and Joe Biden both dropped out of the race after the caucuses. This will now give Dennis Kucinich a chance to make his move up in the polls from "no chance in hell" to "dead last". 

I'm still not sure who Mike Gravel is. 

I got an email just before midnight Pacific time from the Thompson campaign indicating that he isn't quite ready to quit this race. McCain still looks strong in New Hampshire. The GOP might just be able to survive Iowa's efforts to Huck it up.