Brain Droppings

Weird week in politics. Elizabeth Edwards finally noticed that Hillary Clinton is acting like a man. Clinton staffers kept warning her that she should sit down when she goes to the Ladies' Room or she'd eventually get caught.

Al Gore's melting planet hysteria is reaching a level of lunacy that, quite frankly, makes me worry for the guy's health. Gore is now claiming that we're losing the fight and we have ten years before a polar bear floats by your house and eats the chihuahua. He really needs to calm down. Maybe his kid can give him some Vicodin to help take the edge off. The Republicans need not worry about Al running for president as he's much too busy running from reality.

What the Republicans do need to worry about is the fact that they don't have a viable candidate yet. Polling revealed that "None Of The Above" seems to still be leading the G.O.P. pack. Sure, N.O.T.A. has an unblemished past but his platform is emptier than the Democrats' "We Hate George W. Bush" stance on every issue. Then again, "None Of The Above" may just be super secret Republican code for "Fred Thompson."

Barack Obama told labor unions that he would walk the picket lines with them if he was elected. Obama has been promising a new approach to politics since he declared his candidacy. The first time the unions snap their fingers and wave their checkbooks he starts jumping through hoops that aren't even there yet. You think the Republicans are bad with Big Business? When Big Labor starts flexing around the Democrats it looks like the Westminster Kennel Club show.

Still waiting for John Edwards to spread some of that "economic diversity" to my bank account.

John Edwards' Hair Brain

While observing the 2004 presidential campaign I believed that John Edwards was the Democrats' best hope. All good Republicans wanted Howard Dean nominated that year because we knew he was a spastic chimp on crack and headed for a meltdown. He melted down early and I began holding my breath, hoping that the Dems wouldn’t notice that Edwards was the only lucid candidate left. Luckily, a stunning case of mass hypnosis occurred and they convinced themselves that John Kerry was a leader, a good candidate and a human who could speak without inducing a coma in those within a mile. Not only were they wrong but, as the luck continued, Edwards hitched his star to the nasty end of this flatulent political horse.

Here we are four years later and Johnny boy has to make a name for himself again. Americans aren’t as forgiving of members of losing tickets as they used to be. While Edwards has been trying to escape Kerry’s long-faced, boring shadow, a lot of Hillary and Obama action has been happening on the left. He’s desperate to get a new message out to show that he’s a better candidate than the two real stars. So, what’s his angle? He emerged from his multi-million dollar fortress with a $400 haircut to tell us that he’s worried about the poor people. That’s cool, because most of us are poor when compared to John Edwards.

He’s blathering on about things like “economic diversity.” For the uninitiated, “diversity” is liberal for “stuff I think you common folk should do while I continue to hang out with my rich, white friends and pretend to be one of you.” (Yes, the Democratic party is absolutely polluted with rich white people-have you met the Kennedys?) “Economic diversity” is the new tricky way of saying “redistribution of wealth” which, face it, sounds SO 20^th Century retro-commie.

I had such high hopes for this next election bringing all kinds of new things we could argue about. War, terrorism, immigration, Posh and Becks moving to the states: there seemed to be a whole new world to be ideologically divided between the Republicans and Democrats. I was more than dismayed when the only Democrat to actually propose something thus far went old school on me. He’s telling me that the Democrats have better ideas about what to do with my money than I do.

They never have. They never will. That’s while I’ll never listen.

I’ve got a $15 haircut waiting for me across the street.

Who would you trust with your money?