Note To Iowa: Bite Me

Well, after months of having candidates, press and volunteers backed up inside of it, Iowa finally caucused. I hope it's very relieved. I know I'm glad that I won't have to hear anything about it until 2012.

And now for some thoughts on the first votes we thought we'd never see.

OK, it was fun to watch The Missus not only lose but come in third. Don't get too excited though, Obie, nobody falls in manure and ends up smelling like roses better than the two-headed Clinton monster. Be careful, if you make them really mad they'll send James Carville out to make a mess on your carpet and bite you in the groin.

It is absolutely stunning that Barack Obama won so handily in a state where African-Americans are more of a rumor than a voting demographic. 

I curse Iowa for making Mike Huckabee relevant for a few days. If he continues to be and somehow ends up with the nomination I think we should seriously look at trading the state to Mexico for a few hot Telemundo hosts. I don't know how they would say "caucus" in Spanish but I bet it sounds even dirtier. 

GOP voters are constantly told that Mitt Romney would make a great president because he is a great businessman. He just spent twenty or more million dollars to come in second place to a Gomer Pyle impersonator in a state that has fewer voters than the Best Buy store up the street from me. That doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement for letting him be in charge of my money. 

  

The Ron Paul Revolution doesn't seem to work as well when his supporters can't vote over and over between bong hits and handfuls of Cheet-Ohs like they do in online polls. They might want to look into getting him on "American Idol" instead. 

Christopher Dodd and Joe Biden both dropped out of the race after the caucuses. This will now give Dennis Kucinich a chance to make his move up in the polls from "no chance in hell" to "dead last". 

I'm still not sure who Mike Gravel is. 

I got an email just before midnight Pacific time from the Thompson campaign indicating that he isn't quite ready to quit this race. McCain still looks strong in New Hampshire. The GOP might just be able to survive Iowa's efforts to Huck it up.

The First Tooth Is Pulled

Our long national nightmare, aka "The Early 2008 Primary Season", finally gets under way with some actual voting tonight. Michelle Malkin, Wake Up America and A Newt One have already done the heavy lifting on the speculation derby leading up to the circuses caucuses. I'll just weigh in with my two cents which isn't worth much after being adjusted for inflation and having the taxes taken out of it. Still, pontificate I must, because it's kind of like breathing for an egomaniacal wingnut like me.

This drawn-out extra year on the campaign has cheapened the political process more than Dennis Kucinich (D-Pluto) and Ron Paul (R-Bong Hit) could do if they bred with each other in a lab and created a hybrid political ass thorn. That we're rewarded with the first votes being cast by fringe representatives of each party in the weird Iowa caucus process makes the pain of the season more unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe in everyone participating but having a bunch of frozen subsidy addicts hold sway over the national debate for this long gets annoying after a while. Mitt Romney (R-Coifed) doesn't deserve to be president just because he spent roughly the equivalent to the GNP of Portugal there in the last year. Likewise, Mike Huckabee (R-Shucks Folks) doesn't deserve it simply because the twelve Iowa Republicans who will caucus are willing to overlook his laundry list of negatives and pay attention only to the fact that he's a Baptist preacher. We're not electing Best Guy To Run The Tent Revival Mission.

I will admit that saying "caucus" all the time is fun in an extraordinarily juvenile way. That the Democrats and Republicans each caucus differently makes it creepier. I don't mind that the state gets to have a different way of doing things. I grew up in Arizona, where contrariness was a birthright. However, shouldn't election related matters be the same for each party?

What's really got me to ready find a brick wall that's compatible with my head this year is that Romney and Huckabee are getting all of this attention because of Iowa. Although I'm a big fan of the two party system (they tried having just one in the Soviet Union and that sucked) I truly believe that any of the current Democratic candidates would be a disaster as president at this point in history. The last thing this country needs is a Commander-in-Chief who thinks that a one degree spike in temperature over the last 150 years is more dangerous than rogue nuclear states or Islamic terrorism. The Democratic field is loaded with candidates who are going to end up battling terrorism by crying, "Be nice to me, I drive a hybrid!"

The Republicans have only two serious candidates to handle any of this: Fred Thompson and John McCain. Sorry, Rudy fans, he's a train wreck of scandals that the Dems are just salivating at the prospect of picking apart in the general. So we have two great candidates for the job but we're talking about Slick Mitt and Aw Shucks Huck.

Romney has done a 180 on just about everything but his hairstyle. Somehow, serious conservatives take him at face value but still say McCain, who is solid on all the things Romney's flip-flopped on, isn't conservative enough. I don't believe any candidate who shows up to an election with a whole new set of ideals. I have no reason to believe he won't trade those in once elected. Romney seems like the kind of guy who won't exhale unless the polls say it's popular with the voters. We have another name for poll-driven politicians who shift positions a lot: Democrats.

Social conservatives love Huckabee because he's solid on pro-life issues. Go ahead, vote for him, you won't be able to afford a baby based on his record of taxation as governor. Oh wait, we're not supposed to talk about his record.

Hopefully, the GOP can weather this inane first round of voting and let the big people step to the fore. If not, you can look forward to trying to outrun a terrorist attack while listening to President Obama on the radio in your federally mandated Toyota Prius.

I don't know about you all, but I'm going to use Al Gore as a shield if that ever happens.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Huckenstein

The (insert appropriate adjective here-"meteoric"/"stunning"/"creepy") rise of Mike Huckabee (R-Yuk-Yuk) is playing out like the scene in "Frankenstein" where the newly created monster sends the villagers into a panic. The villagers in this case are represented by GOP voters who actually want to win the general election. 

Everyone expected this to be a wild race for the nomination but the escape of Huckenstein to the top of the polls has voters considering all kinds of doomsday scenarios. 

Tony Blankley writes today about the Republicans heading to a brokered convention now because of the Huckfest. Part two of a brilliant imagining of such a scenario is posted at Rightwing Nuthouse today. Apparently, we were guaranteed having a true front runner emerge from the previous top tier GOP candidates but the sheer randomness of Aw-Shucks Mike's emergence is a harbinger of certain chaos. 

I'm not so sure.

I have hope that a different scenario will emerge now and I have no real reason to believe that it will other than my gut telling me that it could. Bear in mind that I use my gut to pick lottery numbers too and that hasn't worked out so well yet. 

Here's my political Christmas wish. It's obvious that Huckabee is scaring sentient Republican voters. These voters have spent the endless pre-primary season whining about not knowing who to get behind. Bloggers seem to be largely united behind Fred Thompson. Evangelicals are glomming on to Huckabee now. Those with easy access to a bong love Ron Paul. There are, unfortunately, a lot of GOP voters who don't fall into any of those categories and they need to have their heads take a trip out of whatever dark places they've shoved them. If we're lucky, the news of Huckabee's disturbing surge will reach those dark recesses and spur them into action.

A little indecision is OK. Jumping off the side of a tall building in a panic because you can't make up your mind is the kind of thing that gets people like Hillary Clinton elected. It's time for the GOP to unite behind an electable candidate (sorry, Mitt fans) and prove that it can't be hijacked by one fringe wing of the party. 

Let's fire up the torches and go after this monster once and for all.

Because there is a bigger, scarier one waiting in the Democratic shadows after Huckenstein is dispatched. 

Cross posted at Real Clear Politics (VOTE for it!)

What Fred Said

There was a time, long before things like September 11th, climate hysteria and Hillary Clinton's disturbing pant suits of androgyny when I wouldn't seriously listen to a presidential candidate who didn't talk about overhauling the tax code. (Can I get a little Jack Kemp "Amen!" in here?)

Republican candidates have, at best, been paying a small amount of lip service to taxes in recent years. Republican candidates have also gotten their heads handed to them in recent elections. Blame the war all you want but, as I've said before, the party lost last year because it didn't pay enough attention to taxes and fiscal responsibility.

The sad thing for Republicans thus far in this race is that Ron Paul is the only candidate who has tried to address taxes. Even the Village Idiot can have a few lucid moments but when they're sandwiched between all the crazy talk they are hard to listen to. His army of flying cyberspam monkeys have helped Paul morph into the Dennis Kucinich of the right. All we can do is stare at them, wonder how they got here and hope that the mother ship returns for them soon.

Until this week, Fred Thompson has looked like he's running to be nominated by the Apathetic American party. When I've had trouble sleeping all I had to do was watch Thompson on TV and I'd be out like Keith Richards after a night in a hot tub filled with Jack Daniels.

Fred finally decided to start speaking in specific terms this week and he started with a proposal about taxes that he trotted out on Fox News Sunday. It's a hybrid system that would allow people to free themselves and file using a flat rate. Those who are enamored of the current oppressive system (Democrats and the clinically insane) can continue to file that way.

Thompson is the opposite of most of the other candidates (on either side) in that he is better speaking in detail than he is blathering on about broad generalities. To date we've had the GOP candidates vaguely discussing saving us from evil and the Democrats promising everything but free puppies to every American who isn't part of "The Rich". Of course, I'm dismissing the absurd detail that Rudy Giuliani (R-9/11) goes into by narrowing his record down to one day in history. This proposal, coupled with his emphasis on Rudy's awful gun rights record could be the beginning of a sort of second entry into the race for Thompson.

All I want for Christmas is a GOP candidate I can get excited about again. One who will send both Rudy and Hillary back to New York for good. Let's get Freddy a couple shots of espresso and see if he can do the trick.

Cross posted at Grizzly Groundswell and Real Clear Politics (Vote for it!)

Surging Dread For The Dems & A Weekly Review

A perusal of this past political week, as processed by my non-linear brain.

As I watched the first NFL game of the season last night I thought about strategy, leadership and Nancy Pelosi (told you it was non-linear up in here!). At the end of the first half, the team with the superior firepower (the Colts) was tied up with a team that wasn't as good but formidable in their own way. Under the Pelosi/Reid/Schumer strategy, the logical move for the Colts would have been to wring their hands at halftime, whine "This isn't easy!" and not take the field for the second half. For you non-football fans, the Colts stayed the course and handily achieved all of their goals by the end of the game.

If Rudy Giuliani had been coaching the Colts he would have spent all of halftime talking about his eight years as a head coach in New York and not mentioning any real strategy for the second half.

Medical miracle of the week: Chuck Schumer's ability to speak is completely disconnected from his brain!

Clinton donor/felon Norman Hsu showed up in a Colorado hospital after being on the run this week. All hospital officials would say about his condition was that he was "delirious." I say that about everyone who writes Hillary a check, it's nice to see doctors classifying it as a medical condition. If we work together we can find a cure!

I've had a rough couple of years but I am extremely grateful for the fact that I haven't ever had to explain my "stance" on public restrooms.

Fred Thompson and John McCain give the Republicans two real men running while the Democrats are still stuck with just Hillary.

A new contest by the Clinton campaign is offering the winner lunch with Hillary. To spice up the offer, Bill sent a note to supporters saying "I hear you might be having lunch with Hillary — do you mind if I drop in?" He then goes on to say "It would be really cool if we could do it at Hooters," as he has an office there.

A short week gets a short review. Next week we'll have the Petraeus report, Fred's first full week and new video of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama suit shopping at the Elite Guy mall.

Brain Droppings

Weird week in politics. Elizabeth Edwards finally noticed that Hillary Clinton is acting like a man. Clinton staffers kept warning her that she should sit down when she goes to the Ladies' Room or she'd eventually get caught.

Al Gore's melting planet hysteria is reaching a level of lunacy that, quite frankly, makes me worry for the guy's health. Gore is now claiming that we're losing the fight and we have ten years before a polar bear floats by your house and eats the chihuahua. He really needs to calm down. Maybe his kid can give him some Vicodin to help take the edge off. The Republicans need not worry about Al running for president as he's much too busy running from reality.

What the Republicans do need to worry about is the fact that they don't have a viable candidate yet. Polling revealed that "None Of The Above" seems to still be leading the G.O.P. pack. Sure, N.O.T.A. has an unblemished past but his platform is emptier than the Democrats' "We Hate George W. Bush" stance on every issue. Then again, "None Of The Above" may just be super secret Republican code for "Fred Thompson."

Barack Obama told labor unions that he would walk the picket lines with them if he was elected. Obama has been promising a new approach to politics since he declared his candidacy. The first time the unions snap their fingers and wave their checkbooks he starts jumping through hoops that aren't even there yet. You think the Republicans are bad with Big Business? When Big Labor starts flexing around the Democrats it looks like the Westminster Kennel Club show.

Still waiting for John Edwards to spread some of that "economic diversity" to my bank account.