December 31st is a godsend to anyone who writes about topical things. It provides an opportunity to do a "Year In Review" piece which is much easier than thinking of new stuff. So, with my sore Wii elbow, here I go with the recap.
- An election year shouldn't be longer than a year. We Americans pride ourselves on demonstrating a peaceful transfer of power to the world every four or eight years. It's so peaceful that we've now turned it into a never ending transfer of power. This campaign for a new president began shortly after lunch on Inauguration Day 2005. Well according to The Madame, it began in kindergarten for Barack Obama. Still, just days away from the Iowa caucuses we find ourselves with no clear picture of how it's all going to shake out. So this painfully protracted campaign season did nothing more than keep Ron Paul supporters from downloading too much porn and making the rest of us long for the brevity of a military coup.
- Al Gore may be a bigger threat to freedom than Osama bin Laden. When I said things like this at the beginning of the year I was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek about them. Unfortunately, events of the year have propelled the Bloated One ever closer to convincing our own lawmakers to hijack the U.S. economy with "cap and trade" schemes. In classic terrorist fashion, he wields power by whipping up as much fear as possible. If Prince Albert the Hysterical has his way, we will have a dysfunctional hybrid ('cause the Eco-Stalins love their hybrids!) socialist economy that will leave us more vulnerable than at any time since the beginning of the Revolutionary War. For once, it's time to go after the messenger. How prevalent has this brainwashing become? While looking for airfares online the other day I was prompted to "Go Green" and purchase a "Terra Pass". Terra Pass is a scam that ranks right up there with psychic hotlines. You give them free money, they pass it on to support crap that can't compete in an open marketplace and you get your hippie conscience eased in return. I think my first bumper sticker of 2008 will be "Terra Pass Can Kiss My Ass".
- Libertarians seem to only be able to deliver their message via fruitcake. Make no mistake, the Libertarians do have some good ideas. They want to overhaul the tax code, get us out of the UN and nuke the Dept. of Education. It's a system that has a lot of good ideas for domestic problems but turns rather juvenile when applied to international relations ("I'm going to go to my room and lock the door...don't bother me!). For several elections now, the Libertarian star has been Ron Paul, who they've recently dressed up as a Republican. He has developed huge support among younger cyber geeks. This can probably be attributed to the fact that Libertarians are also big on legalizing marijuana. The problem with Paul, like most Libertarian point men from the past, is that he seems like the kind of guy you really wouldn't want to leave alone with any sharp dining utensils. We're over a year into this thing and I'm not sure I've heard him directly answer a question yet. His eyes dart around a lot and he always appears to be listening to the voices in his head for commands from the Mother Ship. Fortunately, a lot of Libertarian support is absent on election day because most of its fans are too stoned to remember to vote. If you simply give a bag of Doritos to a Paul supporter he'll be too distracted to get to the polls.
- We may soon elect our first non-human president. Sorry kids, I'm going to need to see some medical records because I'm still not convinced that Mrs. Clinton is breathing. When I first saw her smile and laugh the monsters from "Alien vs. Predator" seemed like cuddly Disney characters in comparison. What she has proven most adept at since being spawned into the spotlight all those years ago is destroying people who dare interfere with her political ambition. Yet there are people who appear to be very devoted to Her Missusness. I'm sure that their loved ones will be returned to them safely once the election is in hand.
- The Lynne Spears book on parenting was probably a bad idea. Finally, a family to make the Lohans feel morally superior! Lynne Spears gives a whole new meaning to "getting the girls ready for bed". There is, however, something very old fashioned about Jamie Lynn wanting to have three or four kids before she's old enough to drink.
- All celebrity plane tickets to visit Hugo Chavez should be one-way. Let Danny Glover, Sean Penn, Oliver Stone and any other celeb who wants to hang with Hugo do it on a permanent basis. They can form an "artists collective", grow their own weed and blame the United States for everything all day long. Oh wait, that's really no different from their lives in LA. Never mind.
- Oprah needs to hush. She doesn't even pick very good books most of the time and she's responsible for Dr. Phil. Seriously people, let's not let her help pick a president.
- Even in an off year, being an American still kicks ass. You have to admit, this is still a pretty good gig. We have that rare blend of superpower swagger, affordable beer and and an abundance of convenience stores that make this the place to be. The NFL is still ours too. At least until the New England Patriots suck all the fun out of it.
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